MBA Sig-O

2004-04-12T12:14:00.000-07:00

Enjoyed a terrific weekend with my friend and her husband who came from the Bay Area for a visit. It was pleasant to wake up in the morning and think OH! My friend is just across the hall! We went to a great Mexican place down the street, watched Goodbye Lenin, and took in a museum exhibit and a stroll along the beach. Though I don't normally distinguish between 'my' friends and UB's, it was nice to entertain someone I feel so close to and with whom I have so much in common. We completed our MA together, took many of the same classes, and keep in touch with the same people from the University. And she was my matron of honor at my wedding. Our conversations never seem to have empty spaces. There are many things that I miss from the Bay Area, but she is one of the people I miss most. It was hard to see them go, knowing that our contacts will again be limited to emails and phone calls. It's never the same as sharing a dinner together or meeting up at a café and savoring a latte along with the latest news.

UB's classes are going well. He's decided to continue with a beginning Spanish class, though it meets 5 times a week and thus requires him to be on campus every day. Normally, MBA classs run Monday-Thursday, making it more convenient to balance school life with home life and allowing students more time to complete homework assignments. But UB is becoming increasingly active, participating in a wide range of classes and events. In addition to his 5 classes, he's now enrolled in a 6th course, too, which is something of a symposium dedicated to discussing M&A. Then there's volleyball, soccer, and now racketball. And let's not forget the Finance Club and a few others I can't even remember. The sheer quantity of activities makes my head spin; I'm not sure how he's able to balance so much and still focus on coursework. Having an internship already set up for summer relieves a bit of the stress, I guess.

Speaking of the summer internship, UB has arranged for housing and is happy with the results. There's an organization in NYC that rents out furnished rooms and studios to students studying and interning in the city. UB will be staying in Midtown, fairly close to JP Morgan's building. No worries now about how to sublet or how to arrange for furniture for a 10-week stay. Everything is provided, just as in a hotel room, except for sheets and personal items. There's a communal kitchen, a laundry facility, a cafe and a workout room on the premises. I still haven't decided if I'll be visiting him during his stay. Money is tight these days and I'm not sure it's worth it to spend several hundred dollars on a trip to NYC when I'd rather have it available for our later sojourn to UB's home country.

I do know that my mom will be visiting for a few days this summer once UB leaves. I bought her a ticket for her birthday, which caused much happiness and excitement. There's a lot here that I'd like to show her, but I'm somewhat apprehensive about the visit. My mother has a tendency to complain constantly, smoke like a chimney and ask enfuriating questions. None of these are qualities that I can put up with for an extended period. This is where Benjamin Franklin's quote is so appropriate: "Fish and visitors smell in three days." My mom will be here for 5, so the apartment will definitely need a good airing-out afterwards.

2004-04-05T08:46:00.000-07:00

Yikes, almost a month gone by without a post. Things got rather hectic as UB's final exams approached as well as my conferences. And the past few weekends were unusually busy, with lots of friends dropping by. Oh, and there's that procrastination tendency, too...

The most exciting thing to have happened in the past few weeks is the week-long trip UB & I took with a friend to Havasu Falls in Arizona. It's an amazing campground located on the Havasupai Reservation south of the Grand Canyon. You have to hike in 10 miles to get to the village & campground; no access by road. Though my legs weren't entirely happy, the views once we got there were amazing: tremendous waterfalls, unique rock formations, beautiful campgrounds. Here are pictures that someone else was kind enough to put up on the web.

We returned Friday, exhausted but happy. And well-fed, too, since we stopped at Las Vegas for a night on our way back and took in two huge buffets (one at the Rio for dinner and one at the Palms for breakfast).

Today begins the third and final quarter of the year for UB. Not only will this quarter be the most challenging in terms of classes (he's taking 5 rather demanding courses in hopes of eventually graduating a quarter early), but once he's done, there's no break: he'll have to leave immediately for NY to begin his internship with JP Morgan. In fact, he has to take his exams early, since the term doesn't officially end until mid-June while JPM's internship starts June 7. So I relished our time together on the Havasu trip, knowing that it will be a long while before we can truly relax together again.

On a happy note, though, we've decided to go to UB's home country following his internship. This is really thrilling, considering the fact that we've been together for over 10 years, and this is the first time I'll be seeing the place where he grew up. A little scary, too, since I know I'll have to meet all of his relatives yet can't speak the language beyond an elementary level. Guess what I'll be doing in my spare time over the next few weeks?? When UB announced our travel plans to his parents by phone, they were so enthusiastic. His mom even suggested that I stay an extra month in order to partake in the country's biggest celebration. It would be nice, I think, but inconvenient, since I'll be applying for university positions at that time.

So many things to think about, plan, and accomplish in the next few months. This is such an exciting, interesting time.

2004-03-09T12:24:00.000-08:00

Lots of messed-up things going on. At work, the woman I share an office with listens to heavy-metal music (yes, at work...) and has brought a pair of binoculars with which to spy on the construction workers next door. The CEO, who was absent during my first week on the job and who emailed me a welcome (after his return...) with an invitation to lunch, has entered my office every day since then (3+ weeks now) yet hasn't said another word about it.

At home, our water has started to smell. It has something of a chemical odor, mixed with something rotten. Very disagreeable. Thankfully, we use bottled water for drinking, but showering is pretty unpleasant. Even while doing the dishes the smell annoys me. Nothing on the news provided an explanation for this, so I called the Water Dep't today. No explanation other than: sometimes if the water stays in a pipe too long, it smells. Great, thanks. Then they gave me a long-distance number to call if I wanted to talk to an 'expert.' Thanks, but... shouldn't someone be calling ME?

Then, one of my new friends here in the city (the woman I met with the other day) wrote saying that she and her boyfriend have broken up and that she's moving to Florida. This totally sucks. Of all my friends (even those I've had for a LONG time), this is the one person that I felt totally comfortable telling anything to. We're like twin souls, so this is very depressing news.

2004-03-08T14:28:00.000-08:00

Let me preface this entry by saying that I have too many books. WAY too many books. So many, that they don't all fit in our apartment. There are at least 5 boxes of books stored in our garage. Thus, with a possible move to New York looming in the not-so-distant future, I decided that something must be done. I listed over 70 of them on half.com, and by this morning I had already sold 3! One was a book by Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale, that I had bought several years ago. Never read it. Someone bought it. Seller's guilt set in: what if it's a really good book? what if it's such a good book, that I'd consider it a 'keeper'? So I read it. I'm sure I should have spent the time on my dissertation, but 4 hours to read a 400-page book isn't bad, and it was definitely worth it. Because now I know: Good book, but not a keeper.

2004-03-06T12:30:00.000-08:00

Yoga again today. By the end, the tightness I've been feeling in my lower back had completely disappeared. I only wish that I was motivated enough to do an hour-long session every morning. On my walk home, I called UB to meet me outside the apartment so we could take a stroll around the block. As we were walking, I thought that it would be nice to stop at our local IHOP and grab some breakfast. My two reasons: 1) I was tired of cooking the eggs/meat and 2) the kitchen was still slightly messy from last night's dinner. (We had a couple of friends over for a going-away meal, and by the time they left, I was in no mood to clean pots and pans.) At first, UB said no, but after I protested for a bit, he gave in. We ended up with a nice, quick breakfast (UB: steak and eggs, me: eggs & bacon w/ stuffed french toast) and headed home to do work.

Despite the fact that one of my abstracts was approved for an up-coming conference, I haven't yet produced anything substantial. From now until 6, I'm going to strap myself to the computer until I write something. : )

Then we're off to a birthday party for our neighbor's son (UB's MBA colleague), who turns 1 today.

2004-03-05T13:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had to tutor after working at my part-time job, so it was late (8ish) by the time I reached home. When I arrived, UB still hadn't come. Thirty minutes later, he calls, asking me to join him at a local pub. Since I was tired, I declined. When he came home, he told me that he had been cajoled into going by a group of his MBA colleagues, who had complained that he wasn't doing enough "schmoozing." This is MBA-ese for drinking, apparently. In total, they had stayed at the bar for over 5 hours. Though UB's borrachera was probably reward enough, I still let him know that I wasn't exactly pleased. I simply feel that we should both hold each other to equal standards and act in accordance to the other's expectations; I know that UB would have been angry if I had stayed at a bar for such a long time, so it both hurts and angers me when he does so.

The length of his explanations and justifications was the only admittance of wrong-doing that I could expect to get.

2004-03-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I had such a frustrating morning today, and I hate to begin on a sour note. First, there was no morning walk since UB said he had to do work. He's getting the Wall Street Journal now, so I suspect that work really meant reading the paper. When he realized that it was nearly 9am, he jumped into the shower, and a few minutes later shouted for breakfast. While I definitely don't mind preparing meals, lately I feel like this is being demanded of me more than being my activity of choice. I have never NOT made a meal, so why does he all of a sudden feel the need to remind me?? After he left, I prepared to go to the store to pick up a few things, but just as I was leaving, my mother calls. I suspected it was her when the phone rang, but against my better judgment I picked it up anyway. For 20 minutes, she bitched about her work, and repeatedly described the situation that's going on there. Our conversations typically go like this:

Me: Hello?
Mom: GUESS WHAT????
Me: What?
Mom: Such-and-such is happening at work. It's terrible. Everyone is complaining. I talked to so-and-so, and she feels the same way I do. It's terrible. Did I tell you that I talked to so-and-so? Anyway, I talked to her, and she thinks we should all quit. That would teach the manager a lesson. Don't you think? So I was talking to so-and-so, and when she said that we should quit, I agreed. Our manager is just terrible. Everyone complains about her.
Me: (at different intervals...) uh-huh. uh-huh. yeah. uh-huh.

Notice the sudden launch-into-bitching at the beginning of the conversation. It's always the same. No "hi, how are you and UB?" No "are you busy?" No "what's new." This does sometimes make an appearance in the conversation, but only at the end, when I am already seething and ready to start screaming.

Anyway, after about the fifth time through her work situation, I did start scolding her. I don't necessarily mind listening to her complaints, but when she is obviously doing NOTHING to solve the situation (ie: talk to her manager directly) and is only making her work environment WORSE, there is a problem. And so I told her. And she just continued to bitch.... Arrrrgggg.

When I finally was able to get off the phone and go shopping, I ended up buying way too many chocolately-sugary things to give myself something to look forward to. Thank God I'm not on a diet.

2004-03-03T20:33:00.000-08:00

After tutoring this afternoon, I met up with a friend of mine. We actually met a few months back through an 'activity partners' ad in craigslist. (That was a bit daring, but paid off in the end!) She & I have experienced so many similarities in our lives, that it's scary. Whenever she tells me about a certain event or memory, I can exactly relate to what she's saying. Right now, she's going through a rather difficult moment in her relationship, something akin to what UB and I went through in our first year living together. Anyway, we had a good conversation over coffee and then walked around the neighborhood a bit. We parted at 5:30 so I could make it to a 7:00 tutoring session I had scheduled with a new student. On the way home, the highway was blocked off w/ police vehicles (still no idea why!), so I had to make a rather circuitous journey back. The traffic fiasco cost me nearly 1 1/2 hours travel time, but I luckily arrived at the coffee shop where I was to meet my student at exactly 7. In the end, though, the guy didn't even show up! It reminded me of a saying my grandma always uses: Life is hurry up and wait.

2004-03-02T11:00:00.000-08:00

In my part-time job, I work with a woman who graduated from the same MBA program as UB. When I told her that he was venturing into investment banking, she just looked at me as if to say, "Is he crazy?" She asked if I would be joining him in NYC (if that is indeed the case), but UB and I have already decided that it would be rather pointless for me to go. First of all, I would barely see him. If we estimate that he'll be working 100-hour weeks MINIMUM, that means that we'd be together between the hours of 1am and 8am. Weekends included, and this doesn't factor in travel time. Plus, my priority over the summer is to finish (as much as possible) the dissertation, and with all of my books here (along with my library access), moving to NYC would only complicate things. So this means that I have a long, lonely 10 weeks to look forward to this summer.

When I said as much to my co-worker, she agreed, and said that this would be my introduction to the next 5 years of my life. Yay. Just the cheering up I needed. And then I run across articles like THIS that state: "I don’t know one senior-level person I worked with (in investment banking) who has a healthy marriage. They don’t spend time with their families... divorce rates are relatively high... to be honest with you, I don’t know too many happy bankers. People aren’t happy.”

So much to look forward to. Blech.

2004-03-01T09:56:00.000-08:00

The weekend was good. I went to yoga on Saturday, though it wasn't quite as satisfying this time. We focused more on breathing techniques when what I really wanted to do was stretch. So after the 90 minute routine, I came home and did another 30 minutes of stretching poses. By nighttime, I definitely felt the soreness in my muscles. It's a good feeling.

UB and I have continued our morning walks. With the weather gradually warming, it's not nearly as bone-chilling, though it's still mentally unpleasant to go from warm bed to chilly air in the AM. The Atkins diet is also on-going, and in just one week UB lost over 5 pounds. I, too, have lost some weight simply because I haven't been eating the same amount of carbs. Since I actually want to maintain -or even increase- my weight, I've had to make conscious attempts to eat more. Though I don't think eating icecream and Little Debbie snack cakes is necessarily the best answer, no other food satisfies as much. : ) One thing that has surprised me in this diet is how nutritious meals can actually be. At first sight, the Atkins diet seems overloaded with fat, but in reality, one can eat lots of protein while still eating healthy. Our Sunday breakfast, for example, consisted of hard-boiled eggs and smoked salmon, while Saturday we had a lovely Mexican-style breakfast, with huevos rancheros & pico de gallo along with black beans & bacon. Total net carbs: under 10, and this includes a glass of milk. (Ideally, one should limit total net carbs to 20 per day for the first 2 weeks.) To remedy the slightly high morning carb intake, I bought low-carb milk yesterday. The whole protein vs. carbohydrate thing is very interesting, actually, and is making me reconsider what a 'good' meal should consist of.

Dissertation is coming along, at least in mental stages. I keep reading articles and building the structure of my thesis in my head, but when it comes to writing, I'm lagging a bit. Today I want to finish at least a draft of one chapter. Hopefully by week's end, I'll be able to submit something tangible to my committee.

2004-02-27T17:24:00.000-08:00

I got back yesterday from a quick 3-day trip to my university, where I met with my committee and also with a prominent Latin American writer whose work I'll be including in my dissertation. Everything went well, except that one professor had to leave before my arrival due to family problems. That was a bit disappointing since I haven't met with her in person since defining my thesis, and she is the professor who is most familiar with my topic and who would be able to help me the most. But family comes first, and I understand that she didn't have any other option than to go.

During my trip, I stayed with my mom, who lives in the area. Visiting my mother is always difficult, simply because she has a completely different personality and mode of thinking. It's hard to pin this difference on any one particular thing, such as her lack of formal (college) education. As I've written before, for example, my grandmother didn't even graduate high school, and she is the one person in my life besides my husband who understands me the most. Rather, my mother is just odd and her actions can often be contradictory. While sometimes she will go out of her way to make me happy, at others, especially when it concerns a simple action that would satisfy me even more greatly, she does not make any attempt to do so. She would gladly treat me to a dinner at a restaurant, for example, but even when there is a huge amount of food that could be prepared for dinner, she shows no interest in actually cooking it. Or helping me do so. And when I would really just like to talk to her about things in general, the conversation inevitably turns negative and, worst of all, repetitive. Instead of sharing interesting moments, I listen to her complain about one aspect of her job 5 times, all told in slightly different versions. It's so irritating, not just because it IS irritating, but because I want our relationship to be different. Now, I have heard this same wish expressed by many people (as in: "Oh, if only my family understood me better"), but in my situation, even OTHER people sympathize and tell me that my mother is odd. This is not a good thing.

So I return to my home and to my husband, glad to be back and have his love and companionship. I only pray that I can, in the future, be the type of mother that I've never had.

2004-02-21T15:08:00.000-08:00

Despite the rain, today has been lovely and it's not even mid-afternoon yet. I started the day with my first real yoga class, having decided that getting up early (6:30) on a Saturday would have certain benefits. For the past few weeks, I had debated whether or not to go, and my late-rising habits always ended up deciding for me. But today I resolved to make a change, and I'm so happy that I did. The class was great, and the instructor simply exuded strength, wisdom and energy. There were only 8 of us in the tiny multi-purpose room, which I guess is a good number given the earliness of the day. I enjoyed the fact that the instructor walked around, making slight adjustments in our poses. It was sensual without being sexual, and the whole experience was relaxing while simultaneously energy-producing. Without a doubt, I will be attending again.

After I walked home, I cajoled UB into joining me for a walk. We had vowed several weeks ago to walk every morning, but found it rather difficult to do with interviews, homeworks and other things demanding his attention. Finally things are settled to the point where we can enjoy our mornings again and resume our walks. In addition to the exercise, I enjoy this time together with UB; we catch up on the events in each other's lives. It's nice to hear about the small details that sometimes go untold due to the hectic pace of the week.

Along the route today, we discussed a program that UB had seen on TV (and that I had partially heard from the office) regarding the Atkin's diet. According to several studies, the diet is indeed effective and safe for at least the first 6 months. UB has been battling with his weight for a while, now, and this program piqued his curiosity. So we've decided to give it a try. I cooked up a nice breakfast of eggs and bacon (with an English muffin for me), and for lunch we had a tuna salad on a bed of spinach and green beans. Since our regular dinners almost always consist of rice, though, I feel that it will be a challenge to come up with a good, balanced meal that doesn't involve grains. Maybe a new cookbook is in order?

Yoga done, walk completed, breakfast made, kitchen cleaned, and house tidied, I relaxed on the couch for a bit to read the paper. It feels so good to accomplish a lot, and still have half the day remaining! Now I need to focus my concentration on a conference proposal that I need to write. I'm hoping that the energy I built up this morning helps me get this done quickly.

2004-02-17T15:35:00.000-08:00

The past 10 days are a haze from passing by so quickly. When I have trouble remembering what day it is or what I did a few days ago, I know I've been too busy. I can barely even read through my email on a given day, which - if you know what an email fiend I am - is a telling sign.

So, anyway, the madness began shortly after the internship acceptance, but was totally unrelated. That weekend, we had friends over to celebrate, both the good news regarding the offer and our friend's passing of his PhD exams. It was a wild night, and involved several people behaving rather foolishly and others rather drunkenly. All good fun, of course. Due to the extent of our revelry, a few ended up sleeping over, so the party continued well into Sunday. By the time everyone left, we had barely enough energy to finish our work, eat dinner, and crawl to the bedroom. The week itself is kind of a blur... I only remember sitting at the computer pretty constantly, trying to finish an application for a dissertation fellowship (that I probably won't get, but hey, one has to make the attempt). I left the office only to go to my new, very convenient job or to tutor (which suddenly isn't so convenient). But human contact (apart from UB) is a good thing, and keeps me sane.

As the week progressed, I grew more and more agitated, mainly because the fellowship application requirements forced me to think too much. I love to read, I love to analyze. But I hate to create. Don't even ASK me how I'm ending up in academia. I dread the idea of having to publish regularly, and so have started fantasizing about some perfect university somewhere that would only require me to teach. But I digress...

By week's end, I finally produced an outline that I could submit. Hallelujah. But one problem remained: I hadn't heard a word from my professor, who was to write a personal letter of recommendation. I emailed. I emailed again. I even called. Nothing. I began to worry, fret and despair, when FINALLY he writes. Apologizing for the delay, he explained that he had been tremendously busy, yada yada yada. But really, folks, how long does it take to write a measly, one-line email reply saying, "OK, I'm working on it, no problem, don't worry." I just checked, and the official time is 13 seconds.

Anyway, finally relieved, I was able to enjoy the weekend. Valentine's Day was lovely, and UB and I went to a little French bistro-style restaurant. I had done a bit of web-searching several weeks ago, and ran into a glowing recommendation of the place, so decided to give it a shot. The prix-fixe menu including appetizer, choice of lamb, fish or filet mignon for main dish, and dessert. Everything was delicious, well presented and just-right in size. I can't wait to return.

My only complaint has nothing to do with the restaurant. It has to do with men. Now, I understand that being with a given person for a number of years (let's say 10, just for the heck of it), might bring one to the conclusion that the "little things" no longer matter. As a woman, let me firmly state: THEY MATTER. I am not saying that it is necessary to plan a day-long trip to the coast, prepare a 10-course picnic and deliver a bouquet of 20 long-stem roses. No. That is completely UNnecessary. But a CARD???? Really, guys, this is such a simple request. I had mine picked out in mid-January. It doesn't take long, it's not expensive, and you don't have to be a bard. The words are already there for you. Just sign your name. So, to make a long story short, UB turned to me on Friday and asked if I would mind if we didn't exchange presents. Honestly, that's fine with me. But by the end of Saturday, it become clear that presents included cards, too. WTF??? So I saved mine for next year. Let's see if I get to use it.

2004-02-07T13:31:00.000-08:00

The interviews are over and the results are in: a summer internship offer from JP Morgan! We are both overjoyed, and finally feel that all the long days, semi-sleepless nights and general exhaustion were worth it. Now the only question is: where? Truthfully, either San Francisco or New York would be fantastic, but the decision is more important than the urban perks. His choice will impact his future career, so he needs to carefully weigh groups, teammembers, recent deals, and everything else. New York seems to be the way to go, since it would give him a more complete exposure to i-banking. Also, he has already met a number of San Francisco people, and *because* he really liked them, he feels that he could always choose to go full-time in SF. But without meeting any NYC people, he might not have the chance to go from SF to NYC. Decisions, decisions.

In other news, I started a part-time job at a local company, doing clerical-secretarial stuff. It's a mindless job, really, but at a basic level, very satisfying. I think I enjoy seeing tangible results from my effort: stacks of envelopes stuffed & metered, data entered, invoices filed.

Tonight we're having a party to celebrate a friend's completion of his PhD qualifying exams. Dinner at an Italian restaurant nearby, followed (and perhaps preceeded, too!) by drinks and snacks. It's funny how these people began as UB's friends and have become so important to me, too. They're a fantastic group, very caring, extremely intelligent, and just lots of fun.

Right now, I probably should be cleaning & getting ready, but I wanted to write an entry today. I've been putting off the blog for fear of jinxing UB's interviews. Kind of silly, but it just didn't seem proper to write about an on-going process. Also, some basic fear in me said that a recruiter could be reading! Who knows.

The offer actually came last Friday, after UB finished his second-round of interviews with the firm. He had several other second-rounds, too, but it seems that the majority of firms were really looking to recruit only those MBA's with previous experience. In retrospect, that mentality scares the crap out of both of us, because if every firm believed this, then UB wouldn't have received any offer at all! And almost assuredly, NO firm will bother to hire someone full-time without previous experience. So the summer internship is such a vital element to entering the world of investment banking. It makes me think that this career is going to be a lot like joining a country club - where snottiness prevails based on exclusivity alone.

2004-01-29T10:44:00.000-08:00

Today begins UB's first set of interviews. Three today, one tomorrow, and four more next week. No such thing as a slow start, I guess.

I spent the large part of the day yesterday making Power Point slides to help him remember the key points for the basic questions. It seems simple enough to answer questions like "What are your three greatest strengths," but when you combine that with 15 other questions asking you to enumerate qualities &/or activities, things start to get tricky.

My nerves are shot, so I can only imagine what UB is going through. I asked him last night how his confidence level was holding, and he said that it was a 9 out of 10 at the beginning of the day, and by the end it had dropped to an 8. This, partly because he had to attend a recruiting dinner and, just one day before interviews begin, listen to everyone else's "story" about why they decided to go into banking. There's nothing like frenzied competition to make one doubt his qualifications. But we had a good motivational chat when he returned home, and I think he's ready to convince them all that he's the best candidate they could ever hope for.

After I dropped him off at school this morning for the first interview, I decided to go shopping and pick up a few new ties as a surprise. I knew that if I stayed home and wondered how he was doing in the interview, I would go crazy. Now I'm anxiously waiting for his call. Unfortunately, he had to go directly to class after finishing, so I won't hear anything until 12. And I'll be tutoring this evening when he completes his final interview for the day, which further increases my anxiety.

2004-01-24T09:10:00.000-08:00

It's been an interesting few weeks. UB has been receiving offers to interview at different investment banks. Offers came out on different days, so the tension at school lasted for a bit. UB's reaction ranged from worry to jubilation to anger, depending on the day. When he received 6 offers on the first day, he felt rather confident and came home in an excellent mood. But in the following days, only a few came in, although he knew other major banks had sent out offers. So the feeling of confidence faded and turned into concern. We talked it over during dinner one night, though, and decided it would be best to look at it as a matter of fitting into the right slots, just as it was with MBA school acceptances. In the end, he has little right to complain or worry, since many of his colleagues received significantly fewer offers. And odds are that at least one of the interviews will result in an internship. The key is to prepare for the interviews and have polished answers for questions like "Why do you want to be an investment banker?"

Last night we hotly debated the best method for replying to this and other questions. The result was that I had a dream in which I was the one being interviewed, though the recruiter was asking me to supply UB's answers. Yikes. This is too much!

2004-01-17T12:11:00.000-08:00

Last night we went to see "In America." Excellent movie about a family of Irish immigrants trying to find happiness in the 'New World.' It part, it's an examination into the way in which a difficulty is tackled differently by children than by adults. The acting of the two young girls in the movie was particularly compelling and delightful.

2004-01-14T17:12:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the world, Mischa!

Born on January 13, 2004
at 2:14 in the afternoon.

weight: 7lbs.5oz
length: 20"

2004-01-12T11:54:00.000-08:00

One of my closest friends is scheduled to deliver her first baby via c-section on Thursday. And another friend just announced that she's pregnant. I still can't believe that she's going to be a mom...

I'm so excited for them both. It is increasing my own fantasies of motherhood, though. I wish that I could know when my turn will come.

2004-01-10T12:04:00.000-08:00

OK, so New Year's resolution #1: Do better at maintaining blog!

I can't believe that I let almost 2 months go by without a single entry. Procrastination is taking over every part of my life. Ugh.

The problem began shortly after I returned from the 3-Day walk, because I was trying to decide how best to relate my experience. It was such a beautiful thing, and anything I could have written would have lessened that. How to put into words something so inspiring and so moving? In short, I simply couldn't, so I postponed the entry. And now it's January.

So, in the interest of chronology, I'll be pre-dating some of my blogs. Just so ya know.

2003-12-18T13:08:00.000-08:00

The wife of one of UB's colleagues called to invite me over for dinner the other day. I sense that she is experiencing the same intense loneliness as I am. Plus, she has a 9-month old child to care for, and the demands must be incredible.

After the first very agreeable dinner together, she and I have developed an on-going evening routine: a nice, home-cooked meal followed by a movie. In between, she puts her little boy to sleep so she isn't distracted by his need for constant attention. We've had some great discussions and I've gotten to really know her. Before, we would get together as a group, and the guys would naturally take over the conversation. Now I have a chance to get to know more about her and I sense that this will lead to a great friendship. For the time being, it's simply pleasant to be around another person with whom I have a lot in common. A grown-up version of girl's night out.

2003-12-13T18:50:00.000-08:00

Exams are over, and now UB is off to New York. I'm still overwhelmed by how fast this program moves. It's a whirlwind of activity from the first day of class. I consider myself a rather motivated person, but the pace that these MBA students must maintain is, in my opinion, insane.

In any case, UB had to buy another suit for the trip, which was a process itself. We found a perfect one at Men's Wearhouse, and they were nice enough to do the alterations in one day. Add that to the packing and the preparation that UB had to do for his meetings, and in short it was a weekend of madness.

Now I'm alone for the next week. I have no idea what to do with my time. Going from one extreme (hyperactivity) to the other (idleness) is not a good thing for me. I need structure.

2003-12-05T13:49:00.000-08:00

UB's in final exam week and it's very stressful around here. Even though MBA students don't officially report their grades when interviewing, most feel obliged to disclose their GPA in hopes of upping their chances for jobs and internships. And for UB, many of his grades will largely be determined by his final exams.

I feel very guilty about not doing more work on my dissertation, especially seeing how hard UB is working every night. He's staying up till 1 am most nights. I can barely keep my eyes open, but I try to stay awake and read to accompany him. I remember when I was studying for my PhD exams, it was the most lonely feeling to be awake at night reading when everyone else was asleep. And it was so tempting to think about crawling into that nice, warm bed with my sweetie. So I try to give him a bit more motivation by staying awake, too. But it's really hard.

2003-11-30T12:30:00.000-08:00

I'm back from my mom's place. It wasn't the most exciting of Thanksgivings. First, I ended up making most of the meal, which doesn't at all bother me since I love to cook, but it was just very unusual. Past Thanksgivings have always involved a lot of people, a lot of commotion, and a day-long celebration. At my mom's, there were only 4 of us (mom, her fiance, me and my brother-in-law) and it was very subdued.

A few hours after the meal, I left with my BIL to visit some of our mutual friends and we had a great time. But it just didn't feel like Thanksgiving. Maybe there's really no way to replicate that experience you have when you're young of going to grandma's house and, upon entering, smelling all those yummy foods cooking in the oven. No holiday is really quite the same without my grandma. Talking to her on the phone is nice, but I miss her soft, warm hugs and her delicious food.

2003-11-23T15:20:00.000-08:00

This weekend we had a birthday bash for UB and several of his buddies from undergrad. I'm still not sure how we fit so many people into our tiny apartment, but somehow we managed. The camaraderie that these guys have is really amazing, and I kind of envy the tightness of the group, especially given that they graduated over 5 years ago.

Everyone chipped in to buy presents. UB received a digital camera, which he had been wanting for a while. He's quite fond of these cool tech gadgets. And now we have a way to send pictures to our far-away families.

I'll be visiting my mom for Thanksgiving, but UB has to stay due to classes. I hate spending the holidays apart.

2003-11-17T20:16:00.000-08:00

I finished the 3-Day on UB's 30th birthday. We both had a lot to celebrate and decided that a dinner out would be a good start.

We agreed upon a Thai restaurant that's close by and that we had been wanting to try out for a while. Great food, great atmosphere. It's a hip, happening type of place that is crowded, yet small enough to still feel intimate.

When UB excused himself from the table near the end of dinner, I asked the waitress to do something special to celebrate the birthday. When he returned, UB figured out what was going on, though, and wasn't entirely happy. He doesn't like surprises, especially in the middle of a crowded restaurant. We got free dessert, which kind of made up for it all, but I still felt bad. I wasn't expecting a hostile reaction to an act of kindness. Even after 10 years, he still confuses me.

2003-11-17T18:12:00.000-08:00

I made it! Not only did I meet - and exceed - my fundraising goal for the Breast Cancer 3-Day Walk, I also walked ALL 60 MILES!! Each day was tiring, but the next morning I found the energy and motivation to get up and walk again.

I was one of nearly 2,000 walkers who participated in the event. Together, we raised nearly $4 million dollars.

It is very difficult for me to convey in words what an amazing experience it was. Walking with thousands of others for a cause like breast cancer is particularly inspirational, because everyone has a story. They may be a survivor, a daughter, a mother, a husband, or a friend. Many carried photos of their loved ones or wore long lists of names. Too many names.

But every person walking felt compelled to complete those 60 miles because it meant such a great deal. Those 60 miles became a metaphor for the struggle that each woman - and each family - much undergo in the fight against breast cancer. And finishing those 60 miles was a symbol of the strength that the human body - and spirit - has to overcome such obstacles.

We slept each night in a tent and awoke at 4 or 5am in the bitter cold, packed our belongings and our tent, and made our way to breakfast and then to the day's starting point. We walked along busy streets, along the beach, and through residential areas, in the sun, the wind, and the rain. We shared stories and laughed, were cheered on by others and waved gleefully, met others who knew too well the devastation that breast cancer can create and cried. There was not a single moment that was not overwhelmingly emotional.

I want to do it again.

2003-11-13T08:06:00.000-08:00

Uf, too much going on lately. Dinner with friends, last training session for the Breast Cancer 3-Day, social gatherings at b-school.... the list goes on. I leave today, carpooling with teammates. We will all converge on the city of Costa Mesa, California to register. Officially called "Day 0," this is where we will receive route information, learn event procedures and rules, and get our tent assignments.

At 5:30 the following morning, everyone will assemble for opening ceremonies, and then the journey will truly begin! Daily route mileage will vary between 15 and 23 miles, depending upon the terrain and location of our camps. Every 2 or 3 miles along the way, there will be pit stops or "grab and go's" to ensure that our needs are met. : )

When we reach camp at the end of each day, we'll have hot meals and showers.

On Sunday, the final day of the event, we will gather for Closing Ceremonies. This will be our opportunity to reflect upon the journey, celebrating the lives of those who have inspired us and motivated us.

The following excerpt is from an article written after the San Francisco 3-Day, which took place last weekend:

*****
For Anne Shoemaker, 43, of Hollister (San Benito County), the inspiration comes from the hope of protecting future generations from the eight surgeries and years of chemotherapy that she went through.

As she and her husband walked past supporters on their first day, a couple of young girls waved from a balcony above them.

"I pointed to them and said 'This is for you.' One of them looked at me and said 'Thank you,' and I just about lost it," Shoemaker said.

The small moments of inspiration, coming from other survivors or the supporters they passed on the way, made the 60 miles pass quickly, the walkers said.
*****

2003-11-08T15:44:00.000-08:00

Here's a question I've been pondering: why does US society put so much emphasis on 'politeness,' when, in fact, this requires people to do or say things that they really do not wish to? In other words, why are people are encouraged to be fake?

Case in point: You're a guest in another's home, and, upon being served dinner, the hosts wait expectantly for your comments. The culturally 'acceptable' reaction would be to praise the food, or at least make some positive remark about the dinner. But what if the food is terrible? What if you truly cannot find anything remarkable about anything?

As I see it, the problem lies in our desire (need?) to be the center of attention. We live for praise and admiration. We, in fact, are a very self-centered society. Just try listening in to any conversation between two people, and see how many sentences begin with "I." Then, just for the fun of it, attempt to count the number of times information about the other is actively sought out. The ratio is generally in the area of 10:1.

I am not advocating for brutal honesty. Yet, it might be refreshing, and at the very least we would know whether or not to keep our recipe for the Spam casserole.

2003-11-07T12:14:00.000-08:00

Excellent piece in this week's New Yorker concerning children of immigrants. In this case, the focus is on first-generation Iranian Americans living in LA, which is home to the largest Iranian population outside of Iran. I found it particularly pertinent to my situation, since it answers a lot of the questions I had (see below) regarding race, identity and affiliation among children born to new immigrants.

In an attempt to explore how these children view their world and how they place themselves in it, the writer demonstrates that even within one family, children can hold conflicting opinions about their cultural heritage. While the family's young son, Parshaw, feels a nostalgia for a country he has never seen, the daughter has appropriated all things American, even taking on an American name.

Most enjoyable, perhaps, is the article's avoidance of declaring either culture good or bad. Rather, each is given its merits, and in fact, the author attempts to show how both have benefited from the other, and draws a close comparison between Iran and LA: "Like Tehran, L.A. is a mountain-ringed, traffic-plagued, smog-filled bowl, where Iranian retirees putter in gardens and wait at bus stops." But, at the article's end, the author concludes that "L.A... is probably as Iranian as it will ever get. In coming generations, many of the Iranians there will assimilate. Some will move back to Iran. Among those will be people like the middle-aged man in his Brentwood condo, dreaming of a beachside shack, and people, like Parshaw, whose inherited nostalgia is strong enough to pull them across the world. Once that happens, there may come a day when a child in Iran, listening to his American-born parents' tales of lemon trees and veggie burritos, will close his eyes, let out a wistful sigh, and claim Los Angeles as his own lost home."

And so we come full circle.

2003-11-06T08:22:00.000-08:00

One of the recruiters from an i-banking firm in NY sent an unsolicited email to UB this morning, inviting him to meet while he's in NY this December. This is a very good sign. All the schmoozing, email writing and alumni connections are paying off. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that UB lands a summer internship. It's the only way to know if this field is a good fit for him.

On a more personal note, the craziness of b-school in general and this week in particular have been straining. I find myself having to repeat absolutely everything to UB because his mind is somewhere else. I admire his focus, but sometimes it's maddening. I can only say that I feel sympathy for all the other MBA sig-o's, especially those who are recently married, because they are probably getting very little quality time to spend together.

A lot of my out-of-town friends were rather stupified by my eagerness to create my own social network as soon as UB and I moved here. Joining book clubs and the Breast Cancer 3-Day walk, meeting new friends, tutoring... But now my initial efforts are understandable because I don't feel 'abandoned' during the week. I have lots to do, and there's always a back-up plan if I feel bored. Often, I have too much to do, which is exactly how I like it.

2003-11-05T07:50:00.000-08:00

UB got back his Accounting mid-term exam. He scored an 85.5%. The class average was a B-, so he's pretty happy. That's the crazy thing about business school: with everyone coming from different backgrounds, many of them from consulting or i-banking, there is little chance of being the top 'superstar' student. Instead, the key is to be average. Or above-average, if you're lucky.

The other day, one of the b-school profs was discussing his grading policy, and said that "In business school, you actually have to TRY to fail. Typically, the lowest grade I give is a C, since here, that is the equivalent to receiving an F." He then proceed to relate how, a few years ago, a student handed in his final exam - completely blank. UB - the comic that he is - raised his hand and asked, "So did you give him a C?" The class cracked up. "No," the professor retorted, "I gave him an F!"

The paradox about grades is that, officially, companies coming to campus to interview are forbidden to ask about them. The reason being, of course, is that if you graduate from b-school, you have the necessary knowledge, and that the grades are rather meaningless. But the students, having been culturally (instinctively?) trained to know better, generally offer up their GPA unasked. Tends to defeat the system, I should think.

This week is another long one: company presentations 3 days in a row, meaning that UB arrives home sometime around 9:30-10:00 pm. This schedule leaves me with barely an hour to spend time with him. Our conversations are lasting approximately 5 minutes, during which time he is either reading email, writing email, eating or doing homework. This sucks.

2003-11-03T19:59:00.000-08:00

I wandered onto a site today and it's freaking me out. It's a very personal journal about the author's struggle to become pregnant. She explains the procedures that she is undergoing in vivid detail, and her continued pain and frustration is palpable.

As I've written before, this issue concerns me greatly, in part due to my age and in part due to UB's desire to wait. I'm really scared that, in waiting, we might be minimizing our chance to have a child. The statistics are disturbing: "Approximately 1/3 of couples in which the female partner is age 35 or older will have problems with fertility. It is estimated that 2/3 of women will not be able to get pregnant spontaneously by the age of 40."

2003-11-03T08:01:00.000-08:00

An article in yesterday's LA Times described the sadness exprienced by the young people whose parents are currently serving in Iraq or other places abroad. The story was very moving in its portrayal of the hardships faced by these children.

While we are quick to condemn the war and its aftermath, focusing primarily on the atrocities committed against citizens of other nations, I feel that little thought is given to other innocent victims like the children of our nation's military personnel. All they want is for their mom or dad to return home for the holidays. Or for their birthday. Or for their graduation.

I am loathe to create a comparison here between which side is suffering more, because an "us" versus "them" scenario solves nothing, and only serves to instill in us the idea that we must choose a side. This is a common political ploy that is overused by the media and by politicians to the detriment of our society. (example) Instead of allowing us to truly understand world events, we feel forced to commit to an all-or-none, yes-or-no, right-or-wrong decision. Or worse, it prohibits us from seeing the 'in-between.'

There are many shades of gray when it comes to war, oppression and injustice. Too often we look only at the end result in forming our condemnation instead of examining the underlying factors. Let us not privilege one voice over another. All should be heard.

2003-11-02T12:07:00.000-08:00

I get annoyed when supposedly 'educated' people are stupid. Yesterday, at a get-together with friends, there was this woman who, despite her graduate degree in genetic counseling, kept making absurd, inane comments. Usually I just avoid this type of people, but the small size of the gathering made this impossible.

Now, I had barely met this woman when, for no particular reason, she starts eulogizing John Cusack. I recognize the name, yes, but as with most celebrities, I make no effort to commit to memory their entire artistic oeuvre. To my mind, there are more important things in life. I feel exactly the same way about sports statistics. Sorry to offend any sports addicts out there.

Anyway, in the middle of her John Cusack raving, I inform her that I really don't know who he is. Unspoken meaning: please stop this mind-numbing chatter now, because I couldn't care less. I should have known, though, what this would lead to: the wide-eyed expression of disbelief, the sudden gasp of incredulity, the utter incomprehension that anyone would NOT know everything and anything about her favorite star. Yes, Virginia, there are people with better things to do in their life. Now, of course, there are litanies of names that I could recite (my favorite authors, literary critics, philosophers, or classical musicians, for example), and in so doing perform the great name-dropping act that has become increasingly and frustratingly common. But, with what aim? To make oneself appear superior and all-knowing? To make the other person feel lesser and inadequate? Maybe in the hopes that, by expressing such sycophantic devotion, they will be rewarded in some way. I simply do not know, and I refuse to care. Or compete.

When that topic thankfully died off, the conversation turned to romance. This woman proceeds to tell us how she met a guy at a bar, found him attractive and went on a date, only to discover that he was a construction worker. Horror of horrors. The possibility for any further romantic progression effectively nixed, of course. How could SHE, a college grad, (and post-grad, it must be added), bring home such a common man. Someone who (gasp) works with his hands. (!)

My grandfather is an auto mechanic. My other grandfather was a farmer. They loved their jobs, they paid the bills, they raised their families. With honor. With respect. A job does not make you a person to be admired. What you do in life and the effects that you have on others and in the world are (or should be) the determinators of a person's success.

I refuse to see why the earning of a college degree makes some feel that this also confers upon them a degree of superiority. Education does not assure intelligence or success, just as the lack of a 'degree' does not preclude intelligence or make one inferior. My grandmother left school after 8th grade. She is one of the most intelligent women I know.

2003-10-31T14:09:00.000-08:00

I've been obsessing about becoming a mother lately. All in my head, of course. UB and I have discussed the situation rather thoroughly, and it's very clear that he does not want children right now. With full-time school, his job-search, my dissertation-writing and eventual job search, there simply wouldn't be time. (Read: for him) I understand and don't press the issue. But I still keep thinking about it. And watching many episodes of "A Baby Story" on TLC doesn't really help.

Two nights ago I had my first baby dream. Except I wasn't pregnant and didn't give birth. Rather, I just found this little girl, who happened to be African American, and I said "Hey, she needs a home." And UB agreed. It was very real and very comforting. Like I found a part of myself that had been missing.

When I woke up, I didn't need to do much analysis here (kinda obvious message, no?), except for the part about the girl's ethnicity. Now, first off, UB is not caucasian and I am. Our melding of ethnicities has never been an issue, perhaps because we dated for soooooooooo long that everything was clarified long before we settled down and got married. But every now and then, I get to thinking about our eventual children, and wonder how they will identify themselves. By UB's culture? mine? and what exactly IS that? When I was growing up, I developed strong ties to my paternal grandmother, who was Czech, and in moments of self-crisis identified myself through her, despite the fact that I'm an American mongrel: a little bit of everything with no identifiable cultural features. My husband occasionally calls this "garden variety white." : )

Anyway, I started looking deeper into this cultural blending that we as US citizens tend to pride ourselves on ("oh, we have such a diverse blend in this society"). I see that, instead of truly incorporating positive cultural features from other societies, we are still segregating ourselves into white america and black america. What happens to all the others? An Indian guy I know who grew up in the Bay Area identifies himself with blacks. A Chinese woman who I graduated high school with only hung out with white people. Yes, California is definitely an oddity and it is here that, perhaps, everyone can find a group with whom to identify and find a 'voice,' but I wonder about the rest of America.

So, back to the little girl in my dreams. Was she an expression of my fears that my eventual child will have to choose an identity from a limited number of two? Or was I seeing a more perfectly blended result, where what you add together is more than the sum of its parts?

2003-10-30T10:18:00.000-08:00

I'm getting excited about Halloween. For the first time in 6 years, we'll actually be getting trick-or-treaters. When UB and I were in the Bay Area, we lived in a gated complex and no one ever came to the door. Now we live in a complex where there are lots of children. I can't wait. I don't know why, but this holiday has always been my favorite, even including Christmas.

Looking back, I think my Christmas cheer was permanently affected because my parents always had some sort of blow-out argument around that time. Every year. It was our family tradition, I guess. Stupid things, like who would put the lights on the tree, or whether we should buy new stockings, or why my dad would wait until the last minute to go shopping.

My parents are divorced now. After almost 25 years of marriage. It wasn't a big surprise, and in fact my first reaction was, "Gosh, about time." But now, seeing my dad with his new wife (which is really weird, I have to admit), I realize that a large part of my parents' marital problems stemmed from their inability to argue well. Both always felt the need to win. But arguing is not about winning. It's about compromising.

So now I'm proud of my dad when I see him making concessions with my step-mom. He listens to her, and even if he doesn't agree, he gives in. Because, in the end, it's all small stuff. Life is so much more important than trying to defeat the person you're married to.

2003-10-29T11:31:00.000-08:00

After seeing continuous CNN coverage on the California wildfires, my family in Ohio is now worried about me. Are you going to have to evacuate, they ask. No. It's not even close. But you can see the fire, right? No. It's like 50 miles away. Smoke? No. It's VERY far away.

Their concern is sweet, but when the same question is repeated in variation, I get irritated.

2003-10-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

On Sunday I went to see a Brazilian documentary called Bus 174. It's basically about a guy that decides to rob a bus but is interrupted by police arriving on the scene. A hostage situation arises. A former street child, his life has solely consisted of begging, robbing and getting beaten up by the police.

The film interweaves live media footage from the scene with witness accounts and other documentary evidence from the robber's family members. We learn that he witnessed his mother's murder at the age of 6. That he had been in and out of notoriously violent Brazilian jails. That he was one of the lucky street children who survived the brutal massacre by Brazilian police at Candelaria. And we also learn how this one situation had two very different realities: while the police were deciding what measures to take, the hostages inside the bus were also developing a strategy to save their lives.

It is a brilliant film because it creates a very balanced view of what most might simply label a terrible crime perpetrated by a low-life thief. Yet it is so much more. It shows us societal injustices, racial hatred, innocent victims of oppression and, in the end, utter incompetence by those who are assumed to be in 'control.'

Oddly, when I returned from the movie, I turned on the TV to watch some news, and came across another documentary, this one examining the crisis that occurred in Russia when Chechen rebels stormed a theater. The comparisons to be drawn between the two situations were amazing. Again, the perpetrators have a story of their own to tell. And here, too, the forces that were sent to liberate the hostages ended up killing over 130 innocent people.

Both stories hit home in an unsettling way. In the US, our leaders seem to be forgetting that actions always lead to reactions. What will become of the 'prisoners' that we are holding in Guantanamo, for example? And how will our injustices to them return to us?

2003-10-26T15:02:00.000-08:00

My husband is completely swamped with work these days. B-school is much more demanding than either of us expected. While we assumed that the courses would be difficult, this is not necessarily the case; rather, the courses simply assign so much reading and so many problem sets that it is almost impossible to complete everything. Since the B-school is on a quarter system, the problem is exacerbated. After just 4 weeks of class, midterms have already started. There is very little chance to make up for lost time or catch up on any subject.

The company presentations are also a big time-eater. At least twice a week, UB is on campus until 9 or 10 at night, meeting with alumni and discussing possible careers at their current places of employment. As I mentioned before, he's focusing on investment banking. The more I read and the more that he tells me, I cannot shake the feeling that this is an evil, evil industry. Just the other morning, listening to NPR, the commentator was discussing the role of i-banks in the Enron scandal. Without their assistance, and indeed their collaboration, the fiasco could never have occurred. And then we read cases like that of Quattrone. Need I say more? Everyone is just out there to make some money, and for them, the end justifies the means.

Ugh. There are days that this whole thing makes me want to cry. And in fact, the other day I did. UB came home, exhausted, and noticed that I was upset. As soon as he asked why, I started weeping. I couldn't really explain why, and still can't entirely articulate my position, but the basic reasoning is that (1) I really don't want him to enter this field, (2) I hate to have him gone for the entire day, and then still have to come home and work more -which is exactly what it will be like if he goes into i-banking and (3) I fear for our marriage and our future children. And (4), I hate the idea of moving to New York.

Now, I know this seems silly and naive, considering that in most marriages, both partners work long hours and everything turns out fine. But there are so many factors involved here that just disagree with me emotionally and spiritually. While I definitely want my husband to be successful, I do not want him to enter a career that will make us both suffer in the end. I must continue to question: if this is such a great career, why does every person I meet who has ever worked in it before HATE it!?

2003-10-16T08:31:00.000-07:00

So I'm these two book clubs. Very different in terms of composition, but the books chosen are somewhat similar. Mostly current fiction that contains some philosophical perspective. Not your usual pulp trash, which is why I joined the groups in the first place.

Now, one of the groups is entirely impressive. These people know their literature and can analyze it. It's great, because it makes me feel academic again. It puts me back in that university atmosphere and gets me thinking.

And the second group... well, not so much. I don't think the majority of the members even READ the book, let alone attempt any sort of analysis. Very facile statements: "Oh, I didn't like it. It seemed rambling." HELLOOOOOOO, that was the point! The book in question dealt with big-city life and, in particular, the way that it destroys our natural rhythms.

Anyway, these two radically different groups made me realize that not everyone can really read a book. Yes, the words may enter the brain, but they are not processed. So I began to see that there IS a need for literary analysis, though, unfortunately, it doesn't really reach the masses. Academia talks to itself. This is exactly why I love teaching, because it brings me face to face with those who most benefit from my training. While research can be lovely, I feel that it is sometimes pointless. For whom am I publishing this article? How many people will it really reach? I wish that academic focused more on creating inventive, inspiring teaching methods that incorporated research than on mass-producing obscure, useless books and articles. OK, that's my rant for the day.

2003-10-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

Woke up to read this news article about US soldiers razing centuries-old orchards in Iraq. This weighs heavily on my soul. I cannot fathom the rationale. "Oh, well, if this affects "ONLY 32" people, then it's OK" ? .... Please let the madness end. War is evil.

2003-10-10T16:54:00.000-07:00

I just read this news item and have to write about it here, because it is so incredibly infuriating: "The Catholic Church is telling people in countries stricken by Aids not to use condoms because they have tiny holes in them through which the HIV virus can pass - potentially exposing thousands of people to risk."

What are these people thinking? Even if it is true that a partner might contract HIV due to condom breakage, leakage, etc., what is the point in telling everyone to completely stop using condoms? The article continued: In Lwak, near Lake Victoria, the director of an Aids testing centre says he cannot distribute condoms because of church opposition. Gordon Wambi told the programme: "Some priests have even been saying that condoms are laced with HIV/Aids."

Unbelievable.

2003-10-10T12:55:00.000-07:00

I was thinking yesterday that everyone seems to have an obsession. (Or several.) Not a maniacal obsession, just a strong attraction to /fondness for a certain idea or activity. Something that drives them or occupies their mind throughout the day. I decided that today I would write about my obsessions, at least those which I currently have.

1) Email. After brushing my teeth and getting a cup of coffee, it's the first thing I do in the morning. I think I check my email about 30 times a day, at least. Whenever I receive a message from a friend, it's like getting a gift. Always pleasant.

2) News. This is how I occupy my time after checking email. I read/skim articles from about 10 different on-line papers, both national and international. Usually the international news is more exciting, or at least more news-worthy. And I actually end up knowing what's going on in most of the world, not just the good ol' US of A.

3) Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk. I'm participating this year in my first fund-raising event. My aunt was diagnosed in June, and it just seemed the right thing to do. The hardest part is asking people to sponsor me, but I've been able to raise quite a bit so far. I'm truly touched by how generous people are. And the funny thing is, I've raised more money from those I considered to be acquaintances than from my friends.

4) My husband's jobsearch. Yes, I know, I should probably be more interested in my own studies (and writing my dissertation) but this whole business world /investment banking thing is new to me and it's rather exciting. I really like to know what my husband is getting into, since in the end, we're both in the same boat. Plus, he doesn't have a lot of time to research companies and gather info. He's at school most of the day, comes home around 7 at the earliest, starts homework, eats dinner, and finishes his homework around 11 or 12. On the other hand, I'm home most of the day, enjoy investigating, and feel that his eventual success is beneficial to both of us in the long run.

5) Reading. Anything. Books, magazines, random websites. I am in love with the written word. Especially if someone else has written it.

6) Cleaning. I'm a neat freak. Not that our apartment never gets dirty. It does. In a big way. But I really can't stand working in a messy environment. It irritates me and makes my mind uneasy. Like a scratch that you're trying to ignore, but it doesn't go away. So by the end of the day, the house is very neat. And then my husband comes home, and the cycle begins anew. : )

7) My relationship. I think about my husband a lot during the day. First of all I miss him, especially since we were able to spend really good quality time together before he started the MBA program. I got used to his 24/7 presence and it was great. Happy and peaceful. But I also think about our future. Sometimes I get anxious, worrying that we're waiting too long to have children, hoping that when he decides he's ready that I'll be ready, too, and not starting a tenure-track position in a university somewhere. Or worse, unable to conceive. That one really scares me. I feel that we still have a good 5-8 years of safe time left, but I know that infertility issues can arise pretty much any time after age 30. And that's where I am. 30. Big 3-0. I sometimes think that, if I were living my mom's life, I would have an 8-year old child right now. That's more scary.

Hmmm. Now I'm having trouble coming up with other obsessions, so I guess that must be it. Other than general angst and self-doubt, I think the above topics pretty much take up about 90% of my brain space.

2003-10-09T08:25:00.000-07:00

No post yesterday. It took me a day to recover from the election results. Arnold is now the official governor-elect. How scary is that?

Besides my daily tutoring stint, yesterday I spent large amounts of time searching for articles related to investment banking. Uber-hubby (henceforth UB for the sake of brevity) has decided that he wants to enter the big, bad world of i-banking following graduation. While I applaud his bravery and determination, I'm fearful of the consequences. Based on conversations with other friends who ventured down this road, I feel that this career choice will almost certainly lead to marital distress. Working 80-100 hours a week? Are these people crazy? Sure, the pay is great, but unless you're single and very happy crunching numbers all day long, the end result is not a good one. How else to explain the mass exodus of analysts after just 2 or 3 years?

Anyway, there's no point in dissuading him now. If his heart is really set on this job, then I'll support him completely. But I'm hoping that he can land an internship first and get a real-life picture of the i-banking world so that he can make an informed decision. In the meantime, I'm collecting info about the banks that he's interested in so that he can prepare for interviews.

2003-10-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

Election day. Gotta do the responsible thing and vote. Here in California, the recall, though enormously costly and essentially groundless, is actually having a good effect on voter turnout. More people are interested in what's happening. Though the whole Schwarzenegger campaign may have sounded foolish at the beginning, at least he has been able to rally the troops and excite people. I'm still not going to vote for him, though. Lack of political experience, poor voting record, and reputation as womanizer are definite turn-offs. Not to mention that he's a Republican. Enough said. "No" on the recall. The SF Chronicle stated it best: "The threshold to recall a governor should be extremely high. The grounds for removal should involve malfeasance, blatant deception or other abuse of the public trust. Recall proponents have not made such a case against Davis."

Honestly, I hadn't even been paying attention to the two different propositions on the ballot. I did some research today before voting, and discovered that I can't support either. Prop 53 will transfer money to "infrastructure projects," but is so vague that it's dangerous. Prop 54 is downright ludicrous. While the desire for a colorblind society is laudable, why toss all the demographic data we have in favor of a unrealistic vision that will ultimately disregard important information about its citizens? Lots of public-works projects and organizations depend on that data and, in the end, I feel that minorities would suffer more, not less.

2003-10-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

I've been mulling over the decision to start a blog since pre-wedding. It seemed like the right time to begin a record of our journey together. But, being the procrastinator that I am, things didn't exactly get off the ground as soon as I'd hoped. I could make a whole list of excuses for this delay: visiting relatives, wedding, honeymoon, move to a new city, start of a new life. I felt overburdened by these big events. Incapable of narrating such life-changing moments. But then I realized that this shouldn't be about the events themselves, but the space between.

Today is officially our 107th day as husband/wife and our 54th day in the city. The transitions we've had to make have been surprisingly smooth. To have dated for almost a decade was an obvious benefit, since there's little to be fearful of. All territories have been explored and charted. No foreseeable impediments to conjugal bliss.

While the wedding demanded a lot of planning, the most stressful event of the year has been the move. Packing/unpacking, exploring, navigating unfamiliar streets, day-to-day living in a new environment. Though I'm still bothered by the traffic outside our apartment, it's not as disturbing as I had imagined it would be. It's sometimes too noisy to hear the tv or concentrate. And it still wakes us up in the morning. But most of the time, it's just background noise.

Since uber-hubby is now at school most of the day, I've had to find ways to entertain myself and learn to fit in here. So far, some of my happiest moments have been driving around. I'm always overjoyed to discover little urban treasures, like coffeeshops or french bakeries. Things that didn't exist in my world until I moved here. I wish that gas wasn't so damn expensive; otherwise, I'd like to just spend the day in the car and explore.

Though it's not readily apparent, I do have an occupation... If "graduate student" counts as an occupation. Right now, I'm ABD, and the D is becoming more and more elusive. Academic writing is painful and I've been successfully avoiding it. As part of this avoidance, but also in order to have some extra income, I've starting tutoring. At least my training has provided me with a marketable skill. The best part about tutoring, besides the human contact, is that it encourages me to get out of the house. I always meet my students outside, in a cafe or similar place. It gives me a reason to drive around.

2003-10-06T08:49:00.000-07:00

Why blog? To analyze and synthesize. But mostly, to remember.

Each day holds so much that it would be impossible to retain every nuance. Like a photograph, sometimes the most significant part is not the main subject, but rather a small, barely noticeable detail. A smile. A gesture. An exchange of glances.

Life at present is particularly interesting. Things are happening quickly and change is occurring at a dizzying pace. Moving. Seeing new things. Meeting people. Learning. Reading. Planning.

To lose the feeling of this moment would be to miss its significance. This is an important juncture. I need to remember. And precisely because of this, I've chosen to blog.